


sure it helps to lose myself in you

by ifimightchime



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Dubious Consent, F/F, Feelings Realization, Not Season/Series 02 Compliant, maybe? it's complicated and depends on your thoughts on robots, more information in end notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:28:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27157964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifimightchime/pseuds/ifimightchime
Summary: Allison can't rumor objects, and that makes Grace the only person whose love she can trust. That's comforting, but it's not all she wants.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Grace Hargreeves
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	sure it helps to lose myself in you

Allison's powers don't work on objects, no matter how complex. From the training dummies they'd worked with as kids to computers to advanced robots -- no matter how sophisticated, no matter how lifelike, Allison's powers only work on people.

It had been unsettling, as a kid. The moment the pieces had all clicked, that she'd put _'Mom is a robot'_ and _'my powers don't work on robots'_ together and realized what that actually meant, still sticks in her head years later, crystal-clear. She hadn't pulled away after that, hadn't wanted to give up the comfort she'd gotten from Mom, but it had been there, hanging over her, waiting for the right moment to drop again. She'd tell her siblings to do things, or Pogo, or take one of those rare chances with Dad, and the next time she'd see Mom it would be there all over again: _it wouldn't work on her_ , like a problem she couldn't quite work out.

It's just another thing that's comforting about Mom, these days. Now that Allison has built her life on the unsteady foundation of her power and watched most of it crumble in on itself, Mom is easier to be around than anyone else. Even her siblings are hard, now that she's realized what she did to Vanya. If one forgotten rumor had held on and plagued her sister for so long, shaped her life and how she felt about herself so thoroughly, what if it's not the only one? What if some offhand, angry comment is the reason for Klaus' addiction, or Five's disappearance? What if the only reason her siblings care about her is because she told them to, once, way back before she knew what she was saying?

But Mom loves her. And Allison knows, with absolute certainty she can't have with anyone else, that Mom doesn't love her because of a rumor. Her powers don't affect programming, and that makes programming more of a guarantee than anyone else who's ever loved her.

Allison doesn't know when that turns from spending as much time as she can around Mom, soaking up the comfort of her presence and avoiding everyone else, to wondering what it would be like to be touched with that certainty. The thoughts slide into each other, drowsy late-night considerations and half-formed daydreams, until images start slipping into her dreams: Mom hovering over her, smiling and mussed; looking up at her as Allison sits in her usual chair by the fire, fingers tracing soft patterns against her thighs; Mom's hand, warm as always, against her back, pressing her closer until she can feel the hard shell underneath the softness of synthetic skin.

She wakes up sweating, twisted in her sheets with the echo of Mom's fingers sliding over the skin of her stomach, playful, smile teasing, and Allison squeezes her thighs together as the pieces click into place.

*

"Mom," Allison says, as she stands to go to bed one night, and hesitates. Mom looks up at her, smiling, calm, and she swallows and manages to ask, "Can I have a kiss goodnight?"

Mom laughs, the sound pure delight. "Of course, dear," she says, and maybe it's Allison's imagination that it sounds wistful. She wonders if Mom's able to feel nostalgic for their childhood, what it's like when a memory comes zapping through her wires.

She stands up and presses a kiss to Allison's cheek, neatly, close and not close enough at all to where Allison wants it, and she sighs and makes herself walk away.

Safely behind her door, inside her bed, she considers going out and finding someone else. Some woman with blonde hair and kind eyes, and she knows she could have exactly what she wants, because she always can. She just has to say it: _I heard a rumor that you kissed me. I heard a rumor that you loved me._

And then at the end, _I heard a rumor that you forgot all about tonight_ , and no one would have to know but her.

Just the thought of it makes her stomach turn, all her interest going sour. She doesn't want someone who has to be told. She wants to be touched honestly, loved honestly.

It's been a long time since she's wanted something she can't have.

*

She tells herself the research is innocent enough, when she starts doing it. Someone has to know how to maintain Mom, now that it's on them; Pogo knows a little bit, but he's looking so unwell these days, and it's delicate work. Five would learn faster, but he's not interested. Diego knows bits of it, teaches himself as it becomes necessary, but someday they're going to need to do something that requires a more thorough understanding of the basics, or Mom's going to have a problem when he isn't here to help.

Allison reads the books Dad had annotated, the notes they can gather on Mom's building and upkeep. She goes out and finds more, looks at theoretical ideas on the library's computers that are still rudimentary compared to what's actually inside Mom's casing, finds all kinds of books on related topics. She gathers everything she can, because any of it could be important. Just in case.

It's necessary, she tells herself, but deep down inside she knows the truth. She's never been good at letting things go.

*

"It's just a check-up," Allison explains, straightening the tools next to her. "I want to make sure everything's okay. It's been a while since anyone's taken a look."

"Whatever you think is best," Mom agrees, settling into the seat. She looks calm, trusting, even as Allison shuts her functions down and she goes still.

It is important. Nobody's looked since Dad died, and they can't find any information on how regularly he did maintenance before then. It's important, and if there's other code she's worked up, things she's figured out -- it was an exercise. She doesn't even know if she's going to do anything with it.

She's lying to herself, of course. She knew the moment she asked Mom to let her take a look that she was going to do it.

It's not until everything's set, ready to bring Mom back to life and close up the synthetic skin, that Allison hesitates. She wonders if Mom will recognize what's been done. If it will feel different, the love, now that she's been in there.

But the programming -- that's Mom, isn't it? That's honest. What she does, it's not rewiring, it's not just a little extra code; it's snipping the wires and putting in new ones, even if it's temporary. Her power breaks, takes over. This is just -- alteration.

She snaps everything into place, and Mom's eyes light up, the same color they always are as her functions come online.

Allison is quiet as she sews the small cut closed, tidy and neat as she can, making the tear invisible as it always is. Mom chatters aimlessly on and off, a few sentences here and there, thanking her for her careful help, wondering aloud what they should do for dinner.

She swallows as she cuts off the thread, finally bringing her eyes up. Mom's are locked on her, watching carefully even as she talks, and Allison can't tell if she's seeing some confusion in them, or if her processors are still settling back into their normal function.

"Mom?" she says, interrupting, and Mom falls quiet. "Can I have a kiss?"

There's a moment, a silence that makes Allison's heart spike, and then Mom smiles, and places a hand to her cheek. "Of course," she says, leaning forward to set her mouth against Allison's, as natural as if they've done it a hundred times before.

**Author's Note:**

> Dubious Consent elaboration: Allison develops feelings for Grace, and adjusts Grace's programming to return them. How dubcon this is depends on your views on autonomy as applied to robots and could vary pretty heavily. (Additionally, there's some ambiguity about whether or not Grace realizes something's been changed before going along with this programming, which could make it better or worse depending on how you view it.)


End file.
